Of Spiders and Slobs
by Bakura's Guardian Angel
Summary: Ryou is scared of spiders, but Bakura's not. Definitely not...or is he? My first REAL attempt at a humor-fic. Please have patience...


A short One Shot based on my own experiences...

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Standing outside the door, key in the lock, Ryou wondered what he'd find in his humble little apartment. It had been relatively clean this morning; maybe there was a tiny chance that it was at least in somewhat the same condition as he'd left it. _Yeah right_. He thought. _Maybe a microscopic, nonexistent chance._ Well, he might as well get it over with; the mess awaiting him wouldn't clean itself…but even still…

Ryou stepped inside the door, eyes closed. Perhaps if he didn't look…maybe if he just pretended that all the junk he could feel cluttering his house wasn't there…maybe it would disappear. With a wince he cracked an eye open, peeking into the kitchen just off from the main hall. He regretted it instantly.

Cards were scattered in unorganized piles on the counter, food scraps on the table, boots and a black trench coat were carelessly tossed by the wall. Books were cluttering the room in random piles, some his own, most belonging to his dark. Magazines and various dishes were scattered in the living room, and some papers were lying forgotten on the floor.

"Bakura!!!" Ryou yelled into the depths of the house. He hung his book bag on a hook connected to the wall by the door, and then abruptly began wiping off the table with a blue rag from the sink. How could anyone stand eating on a dirty table? It sent shivers scampering up and down his spine, just thinking about all the bacteria that could form in the unfinished food.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spied the figure seemingly melt out of the dark doorway that led into the hall to Bakura's room. Ryou paused in his tidying to glare hard at his other.

"Bakura, do you value my sanity at all?" He asked.

"What kind of question is that?" Bakura asked leaning against the wall and examining his finger nails with great interest.

"Bakura…" he moaned, "I can't take you being such a _slob_! I think I would die of shock if you ever, even once, helped me keep this place clean. I mean all this stuff belongs to you anyways, at least most of it. And it isn't like you have anything better to do all day. I have to go to school every weekday and have a part time job on Friday and Saturday, and every time I come home what do I find? A mess!"

"Are you quite finished?" Bakura asked with a bored tone.

Ryou clenched his fists and turned back to the table. "No! You are going to start--" He stopped as he looked over and realized that Bakura was no longer in the hallway. He threw the rag in the sink in frustration and began tidying the rest of the kitchen, muttering under his breath, "Stupid slob. Never does anything to help, just sits in his room planning on how to get rid of Yami, which usually backfires and gets me in trouble of course. Can't even pick up his coat…" He stormed over and grabbed hold of Bakura's coat and boots…

Meanwhile, Bakura was sitting in the dark of his room at the large desk he'd requested from his light. Actually, requested wasn't the right word. He'd told Ryou he was taking it, and then stolen it from his room, moving it into his own. He had a small lamp, which provided enough light to see the workspace in front of him. He had a pencil in one hand and was tracing a finger over a piece of paper with the other.

There was a way…the one plan that would bring him victory. What were the 'Pharaoh's' weaknesses? Bakura wrote down a few words, among them were the names of all his bratty friends.

_Tea Gardner – Too friendly, makes me want to gag._

_Joey Wheeler – A complete idiot, not even a threat._

_Tristan Taylor – …what does this one do? Relatively useless._

_Yugi Mu—_

"AAAAAGH!!!!!!!" Bakura fell out of the chair as the ear-shattering scream echoed down the hall.

"What in Ra's name? …Baka Hikari" Bakura hissed, standing up. "Why is he so quiet around his friends, and so loud here?" He straightened his shirt, placing the pencil on the desk. He had some words to say to his annoyingly loud host. Exiting his room, he walked down the hall towards the kitchen.

He walked in, looking for Ryou. He found him cowering in the corner wielding a broom and staring wide-eyed at the wall.

He stalked over. "Gaki, must you be so loud?"

Through clenched teeth, Ryou spat out. "Go. Kill. It."

"Foolish boy, kill what?" He rubbed his head. "You're hopeless." He turned around, intending to go back into his room.

Ryou jumped over to him, grabbing his arm. "No! You have to kill it before you go back!"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Kill what? The germs that you insist I'm growing by leaving food out? That's your job. Ahem?" He looked at Ryou's hands, still attached to his arm. Ryou let go like he was holding a hot iron but looked up at him pleadingly.

"Bakura, please. Go kill the spider."

"…"

"Please!?"

"…A spider…" Bakura burst out in fits of laughter. Here he had been thinking his light wanted him to kill a rabid shadow creature, judging by his reaction. But a spider? He'd heard of the eight-legged creatures that terrorized Ryou. He claimed to have _arachnophobia_. Bakura had yet to see one himself, but how scary could they be? Between laughs he smirked, "Fool. You're afraid of a tiny little spider? Kill it yourself."

"Ba-ku-ra!" Ryou whined. "Please, please, please! It's not tiny, it's huge…I can't kill it." He was practically begging. Bakura looked down at him disdainfully.

"You know you're honestly pathetic."

"I know!" He sobbed dramatically. "Just don't make me kill it! I won't bother you about cleaning for a whole week."

Bakura laughed again. He could hold this against Ryou for a long time. "Fine. I'll take care of your little bug."

Ryou breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks." Then, broom in hand, he followed behind Bakura over to the wall where Bakura's boots and trench coat lay.

Bakura walked over, searching the black folds of cloth with his eyes. "Well, where is it?"

"I don't know…I think it might be under your coat. I screamed and ran away when I saw it, so I'm not sure where it went."

"Hmm, Yea, I heard you scream. You sounded like a girl." Bakura said leaning down to pick up the coat. Lifting the article of clothing, Bakura, for the first time, saw a spider.

Its eight legs were splayed wide, it's small head covered in beady black eyes. Its bulbous abdomen was covered in short fuzz. Large 'fangs' sprouted from its head. Ryou squeaked, jumping back ten feet. There was a moment of silence where Bakura looked at it. Then it moved. Its legs pulled in, moving quickly towards the older teen, quicker than he would have believed possible.

Bakura sprang away with a cry of surprise, "Holy frigging—" dropping the coat back on top of it, he dashed behind Ryou, shoving his back. "Go get it!"

"No, you said you would kill it." Ryou shrieked, his voice shooting up an octave.

"For the love of Ra, Ryou! YOU HAVE THE BROOM! NOW GO KILL IT!" He pushed the smaller boy forward towards the coat.

"No, Bakura don't…STOP!!" He dropped the broom in a panic, grabbing the table to stop his progression towards the black lump and its hidden guest. Bakura shoved him but Ryou wouldn't budge from the table.

Breathing heavily, Bakura finally snarled. "Fine. Ok, listen. We need to get rid of that thing before it lays some eggs or something and they're everywhere." Ryou paled and Bakura snapped "Are you going to help me or not!"

"I can't! Why can't you just go get it?" Ryou begged.

"Are you insane? It's massive. It will _eat_ me!"

"I thought you weren't scared of spiders."

"That was before I'd _seen_ one!"

Ryou looked over to the coat. Then shook his head. "No, you have to. You're a _yami_. You're supposed to be brave! You're the one who's always going on about how weak I am and who spends hours trying to destroy the world, and you can't kill a little spider?"

Bakura sweat-dropped. "Well, neither can you. Stupid Hikari, this is different."

Ryou closed his eyes. "Fine." He said finally, picking up the broom and handing it to Bakura.

"Ok." They carefully tiptoed over to the coat, and Bakura poked the coat with the broom handle. Every time he touched it Ryou 'eeped', sounding like a broken computer.

"Careful. Careful…C_areful!_" Ryou whispered intently as Bakura leaned over the coat.

He looked over his shoulder at the boy and growled, "I know! Now shut up before I make _you_ pick up the coat." Ryou's mouth clamped shut.

Shoving the broom handle under the coat, Bakura said, "Ok, ready? When I lift the coat, step on the spider."

Ryou shook his head quickly. "Wait. I don't think I can do this…"

"Come on! Just get ready to step on it! You have shoes on."

"Yea, but…" Bakura gave him a glare. "Ok, ok, fine." Ryou whimpered, shoving his fingers in his mouth.

"One. Two. Three!" Bakura lifted the broom in a swift motion, revealing the eight-legged arachnid, which scurried towards them. "Get it, Ryou! STEP ON IT!"

Ryou squeaked, biting his fingers and began attempting to step on it unsuccessfully. "Agh, Ryou you're hopeless!" Bakura jumped as the spider ran from Ryou's feet and towards him. He hit it with the broom. When he lifted it, the spider kept running towards him, unaffected.

"Why. Won't. It. DIE!" Bakura screamed, hitting it with the broom again and again, to no avail. Every time, the spider would simply right itself and skitter away. "This bloody thing is invincible. Ryou…" He smacked the spider with the broom again, "how in Ra's name do you kill these things?"

Ryou had his eyes closed tightly and was saying. "It's just a spider, it's just a spider, it's just a spider." Over and over to himself.

"RYOU!" Bakura cried.

"What?" Ryou asked, opening his eyes. It was suddenly very quiet.

"Don't…move…" Bakura's eyes were fixed on the ground by Ryou's feet. Ryou followed his dark's gaze to the floor. The spider was sitting right there, by his feet, two legs supported on his shoe.

Panic welled up in Ryou's chest. "Get it OFF me!" He screamed, kicking at it. He missed, and ran, jumping onto the table. Bakura shrieked as it fled towards the safety of his legs.

"For the love of Ra, Ryou you freak!"

Ryou ignored Bakura, who had resumed smacking the spider. "Bring it on, bug! Broom vs. Arachnid round two." Bakura hissed at it. "You can't defeat me, you're just a frigging, brainless, animal."

_Bug killer_ Ryou thought. _I need some bug killer. _He scrambled off the table and leaped over to the kitchen sink. Underneath were multiple chemicals for cleaning and also for killing pests like ants and bees. Spiders weren't so different. Grabbing a black can of Hornet Killer, Ryou rushed back over to the battle between his dark and the black spider.

"Bakura, watch out!" Bakura looked up and sprang out of the way just in time to avoid being blasted by a spray of bug killing chemicals. They hit the spider dead center, causing it to shrivel, it's legs convulsing and quivering. Ryou continued to spray, flooding the spider in a puddle of clear, sour-smelling, liquid. Bakura jogged over to the sink and grabbed a can of Lysol, taking it back to the spider he wrenched the top off and dumped the contents of the cleaner on the spider, which curled up, becoming half the size it had been without the size of its legs added to it.

Finally, it lay unmoving in a tiny lake of various chemicals.

"Is it dead?" Ryou asked quietly.

"I don't know…touch it."

"Not if you paid me."

Bakura rolled his eyes and grabbed the broom that lay abandoned on the floor. He nudged it with the handle. Its leg twitched, but other then that it didn't respond. They were both silent.

Suddenly Ryou snickered. "I can't believe you're scared of spiders." He laughed.

Bakura grabbed the teen's arm. "Not a _word _of this to _anyone. _If you so much as _think_ about it while you're with any of those bratty friends of yours, I will lock you in a room full of tarantulas."

Ryou giggled. "You…_you _are afraid of _spiders_."

"So are you!" Bakura countered angrily.

"Yea, but it's normal for me…" He paused, managing to stop laughing. "You're you."

Bakura glared, "Brat."

"Slob." Ryou smiled. "You know it's your fault the spider was in here in the first place."

"So what…"

"Maybe you'll clean up more in the future, right?"

Bakura blew the hair out of his face. "Not likely." He stood up and headed back towards his room, muttering on his way out. "Brat."

Ryou shook his head. "Slob."

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